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Thursday, March 28, 2024

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The Shortlist: Worst Movie Sequels

Jaws: The Revenge (Joseph Sargent, 1987) [Main {icture]
There’s an old quote, which I cannot recall verbatim, but it goes something like this: “What is Jaws (1975) if not a Roger Corman movie with a budget?” Spielberg’s original is a masterpiece, no doubt, but it also has clear roots in exploitation, and therefore the fact that it generated several easy-sell sequels based around a core concept you can sum up in a sentence shouldn’t really surprise anyone. Hell, the third entry, starring Michael Caine, was even in 3D! But there’s really no excuse for sequels being as lazily manufactured as Jaws: The Revenge, which is best summed up by its awful tagline: This Time, It’s Personal. To which I ask: as opposed to when? And who is it personal for? The shark or his victims? Seriously movie, specify your grievance. Just. Plain. Rubbish.

Batman & Robin (Joel Schumacher, 1997)

Last week I touted Tim Burton’s Batman Returns (1992) as an example of the perfect superhero sequel, so here I present to you one of the worst – Joel Schumacher’s craptastic Batman & Robin, which is an embarrassment to him, Bob Kane, DC in general and hey, while we’re at it, Warner Bros. and Polygram, who produced this shameful exercise in cash-grabbing camp. Schumacher now apologizes for it, but no number of admitted regrets can make up for the debasing feeling of watching this film; you’ll need a shower afterwards. In acid. Everything from the pink/green saturated colour scheme, nipple suit and Mr. Freeze’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) one-liners seems to have been devised with the sole purpose of shitting on a mythology, and a damn fine job it does too. Not just bad, but embarrassing.

Bad Boys II (Michael Bay, 2003) / Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen (Michael Bay, 2009)

It’s not that the originals to these sequels are any good, although Bad Boys (1995) is probably Bay’s best film after The Rock (1996), but they do expand upon awfulness in unthinkable ways, with the latter being a particularly profound cinematic offense. I’ve actually got tired of ripping on Bay, so I’ll make this concise. Both films suffer from basically the same problems: pornographic sensibilities and sleazy aesthetic, glossy production values, complete misunderstanding of narrative within a timeline (both films run over 120 minutes; why?), incoherent and loud CGI-based action, and worst of all – the completely crass and retrograde objectification of women. Bay, despite always being quite stupid, at least used to have a moral compass, an ability to pace action and allowed good actors to experiment with chemistry (back to The Rock, Cage and Connery are great), but these sequels are big-budget extravaganzas designed to inflate the maker’s wallets. Shame on them.

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (Sidney J. Furie, 1987)

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Superman IV is defendable. Glancing at the production history gives a good insight into how troubled a production this was, with the budget being cut from $36 to $17 million and a machete attack in the editing room resulting in the movie being reduced from 134 to 90 minutes being just two of the problems. Compromises were made and the film ended up recycling old footage and effects just to make an action set-piece coherent. It’s an absolute shambles, but it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault, except for production company Cannon Films. They did, however, after savaging this project, allow Christopher Reeve to develop any film of his choice, which turned out to be the underrated Street Smart (1987). The film introduced the world to Morgan Freeman, who was Oscar-nominated for his role. Nothing’s all bad, eh?

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (Rachel Talalay, 1991)

Wow. How did things ever get this bad? The ultimate Freddy parody was unfortunately intended as a serious reinvention of the series, directed by long-time producer Rachel Talalay, who perhaps understood the character as much as Craven himself, and therefore should be doubly ashamed of herself. The film is remembered primarily for the sequence involving Breckin Meyer entering a videogame world where he fights a pixellated Pizza Face, which, in attempting to be hip and capture the imaginations of a new 90’s audience, the film actually declared itself as embarrassingly old fashioned, and feels exactly like the last-ditch attempt it is. There’s not a single scene that works, and despite any problems that may have beset production there are no excuses to be made. Films, as Alfred Hitchcock would tell you, live and die by their script, and this one dies on its feet. Shameful.

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1 COMMENT

  1. For the record, Simon McCorkindale (British) and Lou Gossett, Jr. (Oscar winner) were in Jaws 3-D (the second sequel, third installment). Michael Caine was in Jaws: The Revenge. How about this for a rule of thumb: When it’s gotten to the point where relatively minor supporting characters (i.e., Mrs. Chief Brody) are your leads, it’s time to stop.

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