One of my favorite shows in the entire world was Double Dare. I mean, who didn’t want to go down the Sundae Slide and get a bucket of slime dumped on them so they can win a few hundred dollars and win a bike or a Nintendo. The host was the coolest in Marc Summers. To kids, he was Don Johnson, Bon Jovi and Wink Martindale all rolled into one. Sadly, I wept a bit when Double Dare got cancelled in 1994. I was happy that Double Dare came back on the air in 2000. But that changed when I saw the irreparable damage that the new team has done to the show.
First off, the Host. Jason Harris. He definitely wasn’t Marc Summers, or anywhere close to being Marc Summers. He sounded like his gonads got gnawed off by the Whammy from Press Your Luck and had all the annoying qualities of Todd Pettengill. As if the Todd qualities weren’t annoying by itself.
Next, the Announcer, Tiffany Phelps. She sounded like your stereotypical black DJ on your local rap station. Annoying, balmy, and definately not Harvey. Even if she was bald and had a kickass beard, she wouldn’t have even came close to being Harvey.
Now, with those two things out of the way, they needed some star power to get people to watch. Since the WWF at the time was very lewd and hardly anybody on there would be deemed “Nick Friendly”, they approached WCW and got 4 of their best to be on their show. No, we’re not talking Lex Luger or Diamond Dallas Page. Instead, we got big stars like…
Sgt A-Wol (Gettit? That wasn’t even the worst name in the MIA either!)
WCW Hardcore Champion Big Vito and of course,
Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Not surprising this is all they can get on such short notice. I guess WCW Saturday Night and Worldwide were still taping at MGM and they just sent these four C-listers to this taping. Enough about that, now let’s get to the show.
We kick off with the kids searching for pearls in a bowl of Clam Chowder. Where you can see Hacksaw and Cajun trying to catch them in the air. Of course, since Hacksaw has Double Dare Experience (he was on the show in 1989 facing off against Mr. Perfect in a losing effort), he won and got the $25 for his team.
We see the teams now. Hacksaw and Big Vito with the WCW Hardcore Championship on his podium dubbed the Red Rattlers. Then we get the blue team with Corporal Cajun and Sgt. Awol known as the Blue Blazers. The show proceeds as normal until everyone gets stumped on a Morse Code question, so time for the first physical challenge.
It’s a paint by Numbers Physical Challenge, and Vito was chosen. So he and his partner donned paintbrushes on their heads. Things were going fine until Vito missed and bull-charged the sign ala his tag team partner Johnny The Bull, giving the $100 to the Blue Blazers. So, we get a buzzer and head to break.
The Toss-up for Round 2 was these big running noses where they have to use these towels to soak up the mucus and put the wring out the towels in this bucket. Needless to say, the red team won. And they get stumped yet again and take the Physical challenge.
The host has a dilemma: Who to dress up as a baby to sit in the highchair for the Physical Challenge. Hacksaw or Big Vito. He puts it to the audience and guess who won?
That’s right, Big Vito dresses up as the big baby. I don’t know what was more embarrassing for him. This or having to be the “toughest guy to wear a dress”. Anyways, the goal is to knock off the 3 baby bottles on the high chair. Vito just gets splattered.
So, if you know your Double Dare 2000 rules, the Triple Dare Challenge comes into play where the Physical Challenge gets made tougher, but worth $300 and a prize. OF course, Hacksaw goes for it, and draws a 4th Bottle out of the box. Since Hacksaw is a father of his own kids, he knows by heart how to man a bottle and knocks them all down in 10 seconds to seal the game for the red team. They win with $575 and a $1,000 gift card to Toys R’ Us.
So now we get to the Slopsticle course and the annoying bitch Tiffany runs down what they could win. Vito is seen choking out Jason Harris. (If only he did that in real life, then we might have been able to get a decent host like Dave Aizer or maybe even JD Roth to host the show.) Hacksaw acts like a doofus, and then the fun begins. They make it through 7 out of the 8 and win over $3,500 in prizes on the course, and over $5,000 total for the kids.
Well, now that this is all over, it’s time that Vito Extracts some revenge. And what does he do?
He slams the Todd Pettengill of game shows down into the Sundae Slide gak. What a fitting end to this show. However, we should all be thankful that Tony Schiavone wasn’t there to declare this “The Greatest Night in the history of game shows.” Such Hyperbole should be saved for this guy.
He is truly the greatest host in the history of our sport.
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